Do phrases such as “I put a lot of effort into this relationship and he doesn’t do anything” or “He helped me with that, so I’ll help you this time” or “When my job fell, it didn’t help me at all, it’s my turn to ignore it” often echo in your mind? I think it’s normal to think about them because I see them as a necessary feature of living in individualized societies. But this scoreboard inside our brain hurts us in the long run. Successful writer Darius Foroux explains the danger of our leaderboards, based on his own experience:
Who works the most in the office? Who gets the most attention? Who did most of the cleaning in the house? Who got the most gifts? Who called the most? The truth is, no one cares about these funny scorecards inside your brain. When people score, there is only one result: resentment. Research shows that we often overestimate the contribution we make. In social psychology, this is called Egocentric Bias.
The term was first used by Michael Ross and Fiore Sicoly in a 1979 study
. Researchers found that about 75% of married couples overestimate their contribution to the relationship. They looked at values like cooking, making decisions, causing arguments, other things that are part of relationships. It is natural that we tend to take credit for successes and blame others for losses. As a species, we’re pretty self-centered. This is what we knew before all scientific research.
Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology, says:
“An inflated mind is always egocentric and conscious of nothing but its own existence. He cannot learn from the past, understand current events, and draw correct conclusions about the future. It is self-hypnotized and therefore cannot be discussed. He condemns himself to disasters that must destroy him. “
We are not aware of this. Therefore, you must train yourself to stop feeding your ego
while maintaining your score. The score calculation is never healthy and only causes conflicts. I’ve had conflicts about keeping score in the past, too. I have not had good results on this issue at work and in my personal relationships. I’ve also seen family members ruin their relationship for keeping score.
You have nothing to prove
I think there is a relationship between calculating points and self-confidence. Keeping points is something you do to prove a point, right? After reading, researching and talking nonstop about this topic, I can’t think of any other reason. Or maybe you want a mug or something, I don’t know. But here’s the thing: if you’re confident and believe in your ability, there’s nothing to prove. Just play your part. How others behave is none of your business.
If you think your partner does less for your relationship than you do, tell him or her. Don’t be disappointed by convincing yourself that you’re doing all the work. Afterwards, your friends might say silly things like: “He doesn’t know your worth!” “You’re the best thing that ever happened to him.” When it comes to work, people might say, “You deserve more money because you do all the work.” “You have to stop working hard because they don’t value you.” You may think your friend is helping you, but this kind of thinking doesn’t help at all. I’ll be honest with you: don’t talk, act.
Think long term and collaborate
You may be in an unequal relationship in personal or professional life. But life is not fair, change it or leave. Stop thinking about concepts like “fair”. It is of no use to you. Thinking over such concepts and trying to determine your own place is subjective and causes conflict.
Or if you want to make it objective, you can look at your relationships like a spreadsheet. You can record every single job that people do. Then you can see what is fair. But this creates constant anxiety because you always have to think about balancing everything. I don’t like it. Instead, I look at relationships as a long-term collaboration. I don’t worry about keeping score because I know for a lifetime the score will always be even. There’s no point in keeping score because we’re all chasing the same goals.
Eventually everything will be in sync. This way, you don’t have to keep a spreadsheet for the rest of your life. Just do what you have to do and don’t worry about who does the most. If you really want to achieve something in life, you must cooperate with others. You will never be able to achieve anything on your own.
Focus on team results, not individual results
People are not generous, in general we are all selfish. But some people go too far. Here I stay away from those people. Fortunately, there are enough good people in this world. It is much better to find like-minded people who share the same beliefs as you. Keeping points is a bad trait you’ll want to avoid at all costs. You have the ability to change yourself, but you cannot change others. You can only notify them of one thing.
If others decide to change, that’s great! If it doesn’t, that’s not your problem. I don’t want to spend too much time talking about negative people because we all know them. Just understand that this is your life, and that means deciding who you spend your time with.
And if you want to achieve something that matters, you have to surround yourself with good people: people who care about the collective results.
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