I’m the ugly woman walking past you on that sidewalk. The one you didn’t notice or you were horrified at my ugliness. Maybe this time you’d like to look at the story from my side.
I don’t know why I’m here right now and why I’m about to share my inner world with dozens of people I don’t know. But I wanted to share this story with people who felt like me, even at one moment in their life.
I read an article recently, maybe you’ve read it too. At the end of the story, a woman struggling with the misfortune of being born ugly, changed her appearance and gave us the pleasure of beauty that we needed. Unfortunately, my story does not promise such an end to the readers. But I believe I have accomplished something more valuable. If you still want to read my story, I can continue.
Much more important than looking ugly is how it makes you feel, I think. It happened to me too. I faced this ugliness for the first time when I was just starting to become an adult. Also in my family.
You know, no matter how bad or ugly their children are, they always look beautiful in their mother’s eyes… Unfortunately, I did not grow up with such a perception. When I was 8-9 years old, my brothers started calling me ‘Ugly duckling’ at home. Moreover, my mother never warned her precious sons about this. I don’t think he thought that this perception of ugliness would push me into an incredible loneliness and take me captive at every moment of my life. On the contrary, he just laughed at these jokes. I don’t remember looking in the mirror and thinking about ugliness until I heard this from my brothers. Yes, I didn’t have colored eyes or an inkwell nose, but I didn’t look in the mirror and feel like I wasn’t like that.
This perception of ‘ugliness’, which started with the verbal attacks of my brothers, was the question I asked my close friend in primary school, ‘Do you think I am ugly?’ With the ‘yes’ answer I received to the question, it was seated in its place. Kids can be really cruel sometimes…
Anyway, this ugliness discourse continued to increase in the family day by day. While my brothers were jokingly saying ‘I will stay at home with this ugliness’, my father was carrying wood for the fire they lit inside me with the motto ‘Don’t cut your hair, your child is ugly’. After a while, I even accepted this situation. I was ugly just like people are parents. When I looked in the mirror, my brothers were right, I was not even angry with them. I was made with a huge arched nose, low eyeballs, crooked teeth, and a prominent chin, and I had my fair share of ugliness.
So I tried to hide my helpless ugliness. Communicating with people face to face has now turned into a nightmare for me. They only see my outside, they could never reach inside me…
Who was it that wanted to reach it anyway? If you are not beautiful, why would a man love you, why would he like you? That’s exactly what happened. On my first day of high school, I sat alone in the corner while people were chasing after pretty girls. Let alone a guy contacting me, even the girls were hesitant to befriend me.
I never forget high school 1. In class, when our Physics teacher asked each of us one by one which profession we would choose in the future, I shyly said that I wanted to be an actor. One of the boys in the class said of course that ugly roles are needed and laughed. I wanted to die literally at that moment, to disappear in that moment. It is impossible for me to describe to you the embarrassment I experienced, the ridiculous situation I fell into. This exclusion made me even more antisocial
and aggressive. The only place where I felt happy was the internet environment. With my fake profile photo on MSN, I was able to communicate with people who didn’t know me, and I was able to satisfy myself like this, even for a short time.
Even though I try to be beautiful and be accepted by people, it is in vain. I was getting bangs cut, messing with my hair, maybe 3 hours a day I found myself examining myself in front of the mirror, but in vain. No matter what I did, it was impossible for me to reach people’s standards of beauty.
I was able to complete high school with only one friend. He was also a troubled child who was relatively overweight and ostracized by people just like me. Of course high school 1. After that experience in the classroom, I gave up on my dreams of theater. Friendship also pushed me to work constantly, and I earned an engineering degree at university. Actually, I’ll admit, one of the reasons I chose engineering was because there are few girls who prefer engineering. I felt incredibly bad and unbearable in an environment where there were so many beautiful girls. As a matter of fact, it turned out the way I wanted. There were very few female students even in the faculty, let alone the department. In this way, I could adapt to the environment more easily. I had a group of four friends. All but me were men. But, interestingly enough, they seemed to see me that way too. They talked as if there was no girl in the group and acted like they were forgetting my existence. I realized that over time it made me feel better…
Over time, I started to push that feminine instinct that I could never have into the background. She prefers shabby, more masculine clothes; I was talking like a man.
Since I couldn’t be a woman properly, then I had to behave in a way that I was accepted where I was accepted and among the people I was accepted. Of course, my family was so uncomfortable with this situation. One day, when my mother was talking to my father, “I criticized so-and-so’s daughter a lot, it happened to me. That’s how this girl became.” said. As much as my ugliness bothered them, my masculine dressing and cursing made them uncomfortable. However, I was content with myself. At least I was able to find a place for myself in society, even if it was difficult. I was a successful student and could be accepted by teachers.
However, these feelings that I thought I had destroyed but actually suppressed started to show themselves with panic attacks and anxiety over time. Heart palpitations, cold sweats and the feeling of fainting out of nowhere…
No matter how hard I tried to ignore and suppress it, in vain, he never let go… We were constantly going to the hospital, getting tests done, but nothing was coming out. Finally, the internist referred me to a psychiatrist and I learned that I have generalized anxiety disorder. When I said drugs and therapies, I came to myself a little bit, but my life energy seemed to have been withdrawn and I was starting to not be able to enjoy life.
The most difficult days of my life were further ahead. Members of our group also supported me in this process. We were already managing a project together and were talking day and night. Then one day, while talking to my psychiatrist, I suddenly realized that I was in love with one of them. I don’t know how I came to this awareness, but when I said his name while giving information about them, I noticed that my heartbeat quickened. But such a thing was impossible. It was impossible for him to love me and see me as his lover. Without realizing it, I had put him in one of the most irreplaceable places in my life. There was nothing wrong with what I felt for him from afar, as long as I had it in my life, I thought.
Just a few months after these events, a woman entered his life, whom he was madly in love with. We were in our last year of university.
The family pressure, on the one hand, the feeling of not being loved, on the other hand, everything was so heavy. As I walked down the street, it was as if people were looking at me and saying something to each other about my ugliness; I was feeling I’ll never forget the day we met his girlfriend. There was such a beautiful and kind girl in front of me… For a moment I said, what does it feel like to be this beautiful? What does it make people feel? I realized that I was not jealous of their love, but of the beauty of the girl.
Besides my crooked bangs, shabby clothes, and my swearing, how naive, how beautiful and nice she was. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. I remember going home and crying for hours. Another incident that hit me like a slap in the face was that his girlfriend, besides being jealous and seeing all the girls, didn’t say anything about his friendship with me. One day, when I asked another member of the group why, he laughed and said he might not see you as a girl… Oh right. What do I have to be jealous of?
I started to go to our next meetings with a mask. Yes, with a surgical mask… When they asked why, I said that I had a flu and I didn’t want to infect them, but actually I was trying to hide my ugliness.
In the subway, on the bus, people were looking at the mask even though they were looking at me strangely, it wasn’t me they were looking at. At least I could hide all my ugliness by covering my mouth and nose. With the end of university, we all dispersed in a corner. Even though we didn’t talk as much as we used to, we were on the phone and drinking coffee from time to time. We were all looking for a job. I was so sure that I wouldn’t be able to find a job because of my ugliness that I was desperately going for an interview with every place I applied to. As a matter of fact, it happened as I expected. You may say what does engineering and beauty have to do with it, but everyone is looking for decent people as a colleague.
My break with my family was tragic. When my mom said she wanted me to have a coffee with her friend’s son, I refused. Although I felt the absence of a man in my life, I did not feel ready for it. Because I knew that even if I did, that person would not like me and would meet me for sake. My mother almost went crazy when I turned down this offer. He said that I would never find a better one, that I had to look at myself before I became arrogant, that I would die without a man’s hand. I listened silently and retreated to my room. That day, I decided to live separately from my family. It had become a necessity for my mental health.
I decided to work as a waitress for a while until I found a job, but it took longer than I thought. For two years, I was both a waitress and looking for a job. On the other hand, I lived in a damp house with a window that only saw the retaining wall and never got any sun.
I was so offended and angry with everyone and everything. I was a successful bilingual woman who studied engineering at one of the best universities in Turkey. However, I could not find a job. They call and invite me for an interview, they say they will get back to you and send them, but they never return. One day, I gathered my strength and went to an aesthetic doctor. I would take out a loan if necessary, but I was going to start this transformation story from somewhere… But it didn’t. It was beyond me financially and my anxiety did not allow me to have the surgery. What if I die on the operating table? Is it worth it for the sake of beauty? I was thinking. It’s like I’m so happy with the life I’m living… As I mentioned in the introduction… There is no great story of change or revenge at the end of this story. But yes, my personal transformation has a beginning too…
One New Year’s Day, there was an entertainment organization in the place where I worked. Of course, since we were going to be working hard that day, I collected my hair, combed my bangs and ran out of the house as usual.
After preparations and cleaning, the evening came. The place is so full that we don’t know which one to catch up with. We had a division of labor before, but in vain, whoever sees it rushes to it. When the customer calls you, you cannot say for a minute that someone else will take care of you. Anyway, everything is fine, everyone is drinking and having fun. I remember once, as I was walking towards the kitchen with drinks in my hand, I heard a choking-like sound from the men’s bathroom. If it was vomiting, maybe I wouldn’t have intervened, but I am officially choking on someone.
I ran to the bathroom as I put down my drinks. A man is gagging but at the same time it is as if he is choking. I hit you on the back and say, are you okay? It’s like the child swallowed something and can’t get it out. Lastly, I did the Heimlich
maneuver on him with my tiny size. No, it’s not coming out. I’m calling out, no one hears the music. The last time I hugged him from behind and lifted him, something resembling a wine stopper came out with a gag in his throat… Of course, at that time, I ran and called for help. Of course, I am in shock of my life, I went and asked, did you see what it was, the boy really swallowed half of the wine stopper… Oh my god, you’re not looking for logic in drunkenness.
Of course, I was unaware that this absurd event I experienced on my way to work two days later would shape my future. It turns out that I was going to meet the love of my life at the workplace where I went with the same carelessness and boredom, I smile when I think about it…
When I entered the restaurant at noon, he was sitting alone in front of me waiting for me. Of course, although I don’t remember his face very clearly, I understood that it was him. When they said that you asked me about me, I went to him and started talking. After thanking him for saving his life, I think we talked for about half an hour. For the first time, I realize that I don’t think about how my nose or teeth look during a conversation. At that moment, it was as if I had established a bond of love with the person in front of me, completely independent of the anxiety of being liked.
He was grateful to me for saving his life, and I was grateful to him for making me feel those feelings for the first time. The next days came and I realized that for the first time, there was a person who was more interested in seeing my heart than my appearance. This is how I felt for the first time. Instead of the outward appearance of the person in front of me, his heart and words began to outweigh. This is how we became involved in each other’s lives. I opened up my fears, my unlovedness, and showed him. Of course, his addictions and his own wounds.
We discover different things every day on this road that we set out believing that we will heal our wounds…
For example, we established a mini art workshop with my wife, who is an engineer and doesn’t like what she does… When I told him I was an engineer 1. We passed our month. Because when you find the right person, the color of your hair, your profession or your age becomes an unimportant detail. Thanks to my wife, who is interested in painting, I discovered that I also have an interest in art. While he is dealing with more artistic things, I make little figurines and sell them. And in each of my sculptures, I rediscover that what really satisfies people in this life is not shape or appearance, but production.
As for ugliness, maybe I’m still ugly, but it’s about what meaning I attach to beauty or ugliness. When I told my wife that one day I want to make small changes on my face, she said whatever you want. I noticed that when I went and had a touch or two done to my face, I felt better and more vigorous. But that’s okay, they’ll just melt away in a few months anyway. The important thing is not how you look, but how you are… Please don’t give people the right to tell you what you are. Find out who you are by self-discovery so that you can find inner peace in this life. I don’t know who reads this or how they feel, but if you’ve ever felt isolated and lonely like me, I kiss you from those places. You are so precious.
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