When people talk about relationships that don’t work out, they often take it easy: they talk about reasons like our love has faded, we stopped trying, we got cheated on, we decided to stay apart.
But the real reasons why relationships end are:
1- We magnify ourselves in our eyes.
2- We want too much from our relationship or partner.
3- We may be insufficient in terms of emotional maturity.
4- We use relationships and love to quell our fears.
In this article, we will discuss the fourth item in depth. Let’s see together how we use relationships and love to overcome our fears.
So, what are our fears? Not as much as you might think…
1) Fear of Being Unnecessary
Or we can say the fear of being unwanted, unloved, worthless.
What do you really want : Being wanted, needed, appreciated and feeling valuable.
In the best case you : You are very generous, empathetic and good at taking care of others, you are friendly and altruistic.
In the worst case you
: You are passive-aggressive, needy or demanding, manipulative
or victimized, treating “the love of others” as a measure of your own worth.
In this case, what you need to do for happier relationships: Love yourself before expecting from others. If we don’t love ourselves, we can’t expect it from others. This is not selfishness; we ourselves are an equal part of the “love” equation, and self-love is half of love. Without self-love, love can neither be given nor received.
How will you progress?
first. Learn about emotional boundaries and relationship dependence. Be sure to meet your own needs before waiting for others. Decisively realize where other people “end” and where you start; see the difference between yours and theirs.
Recognize your motives when you help others and respect those times when your “help” is not useful or welcome. Love yourself first. Everything that you need or think you want to have in your partner, you must first provide for yourself. Our partners cannot make us feel safe, confident and happy. We must first give it to ourselves, and only then can we add others’ to this equation.
2) Fear of Not Fully Been Understood
In other words, the fear of being with a partner who doesn’t love the “real you” or doesn’t provide ideal love.
What do you really want : Feeling special, validated, understood, and loved for your uniqueness.
In the best case you : You have tremendous personal depth and self-awareness, and a strong sense of self and identity.
In the worst case you
: You are a self-deprecating, depressed
and alienated person, embarrassed, hopeless and even self-destructive.
In this case, what you need to do for happier relationships : Realize that you are not just your feelings. Understand that reality can never be based on our imagination or our ideals.
How will you progress?
Stop holding your feelings aside. They are not your identity and they are not consistent guides to shed light on you. Be productive. Self-esteem comes from action, so stop procrastinating until you feel motivated. Let go of your need for life to live a dream you created. Expecting to do this will always result in disappointment. Get out of your own head and stop pouting.
3) Fear of Being Alone
So it’s not just a partner; You want the connection and stability that a relationship promises.
What do you really want : You want to feel safe, supported and peaceful.
In the best case you : Incredibly loyal, you are harmonious and invested in family.
In the worst case you : Anxious about the future, need answers about your “ifs”, and are over- or under-occupied, or overwhelmed, or withdrawn.
In this case, what you need to do for happier relationships: Loosen your need for everything to go smoothly and become more involved in the moment before you.
Editor’s Note ✏️
There is no such natural situation as having fears in all our relationships, but the important thing is that the basis on which this relationship is based is not fear. You will also notice that the fears mentioned above are also caused by ourselves. Even if fears such as being unnecessary, not being fully understood, or being alone try to cast a shadow on our relationships, they can remain in the past as syndromes that we can get rid of as a result of the work and practices we will do with ourselves. Be sure of the love and respect that you feel for yourself in all circumstances. If your happier relationship is with yourself first, you can be happy with your other relationships without fear.
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